It’s Not Like I Asked For The Moon

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These days, it seems like my H and I fight more than we connect. We avoid confrontation, like we can’t stand to disagree,  yet we find very little to agree on. Nothing between us, and neither of us wants to admit it.

An example: he wants to stay together, I want to move out.

For now, that seems to be the biggest issue we have. He can’t seem to remember that I am unhappy.  And despite my medication, the so – called “happy pills”, I am not happy! I have not been happy on, or off the meds.

However, my lack of bliss seems to escape his notice. His ignorance is beginning to wear me down. He doesn’t notice; it doesn’t exist.

Does that mean, I don’t exist? That I don’t matter?  And then I begin to obsess over that single thought. If he, my husband, can’t be bothered to notice that I am perpetually unfulfilled, does that mean I am selfish in my needs?

I explore those ideas more and more. It absorbs more of my time than it should.  And I know that. But I’m having the worst possible time trying to figure out my own mind.

I suppose that issue won’t be resolved until we get divorced, or I give up entirely. It’s not easy to just give up after so many years together. But I know he won’t change, and he shouldn’t have to. I’m the one who changed. It’s on me.

I wake up so many times during the day, I barely get enough sleep to drive to work, let alone stay awake during those 8 hours of quiet in my glass box. I finally recognized the pattern.

I wake up for calls and texts that will never come. I wake up when WB would have contacted me. We talked, skyped, or messaged on his breaks. But no more.

Then, the silence is enough to keep me busy pondering the what-ifs, and I can’t get back to sleep. I can’t shut my brain off. The thoughts, ideas, regrets, and loss all swim in my brain, begging to be rescued! Each and every neuron firing at the memories of someone I will never see again. Someone who, lied to me, hurt me, basically left me for dead.

Why do I still want him?

I’m an idiot!

And here I sit, in my squeaky chair, watching monitors, and yawning like newborn in its mother’s arms. Ridiculous!  The very idea irritates me beyond belief!

He should not affect me anymore.  I need to remember that, he walked away from me. Gone.

Recently, I had begun to move on. My mind was distracted by another (JR). He was fun, interesting, nice looking, a sweetheart,  and a good father. We had alot in common, laughed at the same jokes, even finished each other’s sentences. Annoyingly well matched. But he too walked away. Only, he left me for another woman. Not once, but twice.

I really am an idiot!

The break with JR brought old memories, forgotten pain, to the surface. And I started cutting again. I really do wish I could cry like a normal person. It would be so much easier, maybe messier, to just curl up in a ball on my bed and cry my pain out.

Alas, that talent is lost to me.  I hurt, I feel pain, anguish, fear, the full range of emotions. However, expressing them in a healthy way, is the most difficult obstacle I’ve met.

I just want to get over it all. Move on. Get past all my hurt. Im not asking for much. Just a happy life.

Is that so hard?

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