Parent shaming, by proxy…

Ok….so we all love and hate our parents. Big whoop. By the time we grow up and look back we can either appreciate them, for turning us into socially aware, self fulfilled individuals, or avoid them for cranking out another self-loathing sociopath, with an arrest record as long as our leg. Being somewhere in between, is about where I am.  No arrest record, but lots of social anxiety, and self-loathing.

It’s pointless to lay blame at anyone’s feet, I’m an adult now and I don’t need to explain myself or my childhood to anyone…other than my psychologist….And psychiatrist.  And don’t you dare judge me for needing the help! I have two kids with special needs and a husband who barely helped until I had I had a breakdown, and I have NO addictions to lean on!

Seriously, I know moms who begin drinking by noon, smoke pot at least 10 times a day, or who “dabble” in random drug dealing! I can’t afford pot, and I wouldn’t begin to know how to properly smoke it in the first place. My drugs are prescribed for me, so I don’t cut myself to shreds when I have 5 minutes alone. And I am allergic to everything except hard liquor. I am not about to stroll up to the school after band practice, and be tripping balls in front of my kids, and all the parenting, gossiping world to see! These are the same women who started a rumor that I had fake boobs! I don’t btw, they just happen to be a bit on the big side. A fact which I have always tried to hide.

 

I worry enough about the 6 sex offenders who live in my area, the locker room talk my 12 year old hears, and tracking his search history. I have AARD meetings, speech therapy, doctor appointments, and keeping my kids from being stinky! I don’t need the often wrong opinions of others who have no idea what it’s like to live in my four walls. I’m doing good most days not to throw out the F-bomb, when something else catches fire! Seriously, we’ve had multiple house fires!

Needless to say, my kids, like all others have their moments. As Mom, I’ve always tried to explain why we don’t throw mommy’s chopsticks in a hot oven, or why it’s not ok to flush a toothbrush, and yes- why we don’t quit when things look hard. This is how it’s done.  I did as much of that as I could, alone for 10 years. My husband was always working, and so as a team mate I did my part.

A part made harder every time my kids visited my parents. Of course I got lectured about their health, ” mom, I promise I feed them like 6 times a day. They are skinny because they burn it off!” About their emotional health, ” yes I know he’s afraid of dark rooms, most kids are.” About my short comings as a mother, “yes, I know you had 4 but none of us set the house on fire, and my grandparents were around more than you.”

Well, maybe I don’t say that last one, but I sure do think it VERY loudly! And she compares me to my brothers, and their wives. Oh Yeh, which also means she compares my kids to all the other kids she knows! I may not be Supermom, but I am (or was) doing my best, with what I had. I don’t even compare my kids to each other, as a direct result of her constantly reminding me that I wasn’t like my brothers. Uh-duh….I’m a girl! I’m anatomically different, socially different, and treated different. Of course I AM DIFFERENT! Naturally my kids will be different from others. AND I WANT THEM TO BE! I don’t want my kids to conform to peer pressure, or be forced to mature faster than they need to. It’s already hard enough to get through a math class, and not be bullied on your way to English! Why would I want my kids to be like those kids? I don’t they are individuals, with different emotional needs. One is an artist, the other is likely going to be my trouble finder.  Oh boy!

Louis C.K. once said “{boys do damage, to your house, that you can measure in dollars.}” Omg! Was that ever true! My house used to smell of a fresh, clean spring day. Now, I’m lucky if I can air out whatever that new smell is! My husband and I decided not to buy any new furniture until the kids get older. That’s just throwing money away! They already treat the couches like a multi-tool…trash bin, snot wiper, and toy box! Until that madness stops, I’m not dropping a dime on anything new!

However, inevitably my mother finds fault in all that I do. And she has no trouble criticizing me, or undermining my rules with my kids. I have a solid 12 years experience with these two goblins, I know the damage they can do with something as simple as a remote control! I warn them, I warn her, and I am systematically ignored. No wonder I had a breakdown.

Finally, I stopped saying anything. It’s her house. If she gives them complete free run, that’s her fault. I tried to explain before it happened. So naturally, she got more experience with them, jacking them up on soda and candy, as she lectured me about a proper diet for them. I stopped responding to their questions, and let her explain why they couldn’t play on her computer while they ate jelly and crackers. I let her handle every broken dish and decorative item that she found.

Her house, her rules.

Things have changed. Now she needs two week’s notice before she can watch them, and only for a few hours at that! She is beginning to see what I deal with daily, but she will never admit that I am doing ok at it. She only ever says she’s getting older, and can’t go their speed. I’m sorry she is aging, but I have a whopping 6 prescriptions that keep me from hating myself, and one of them is chemotherapy, to destroy/restart my immune system, because my body hates its self so much it’s literally attacking the healthy cells! How’s that for self-loathing?!

Hey, I’m not the best mom, but I’m not the worst either. I’m not the ideal daughter, but I don’t have an ideal mom. I’m a mom, handling what I can, and learning to deal with what I can’t. That’s all I can do.

I hope I live long enough for my boys to see that…eb744a1848a98961dfc160febce978ee

 

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