…But what happens when you are someone’s vacation?
My H decided to take the day of our anniversary and a couple extra days off. Which sounds really great, on paper! However, we have no babysitter, as my mother is watching my brother’s two toddlers ( not even gonna comment on that sitch). And H’s mom was working. We wanted to do a lunch date, but our oldest was sick one day, then I got sick, and now our youngest is sick. It simply wasn’t gonna happen this year.
Not that it happens ANY year, but we have struggled ALOT in our relationship this past year. My mother knew it. I’m sure the whole fucking family knew; they gossip like crazy! But I always try to hide my battles, and hurts, until they boil in my psyche, and come spewing forth like lava! It’s not a pretty thing to witness. My sudden attacks of word diarrhea, often result in fights, tears, and lots of people denying such things ever happened.
It sucks to never feel validated. I could argue that the sky is blue, and they’d counter with something along the lines of “it may be blue now, but it was grey and cloudy just 5 minutes ago.” I’d be expected to accept their answer, but they’re still going to lock down the truth about the reality of the moment, and/or my perception of it. I’m just never going to be good enough.
At any rate after spending several tense days of awkward texting with my mother, I finally decided to confront her face-to-face. I knew it was going to be long and she would have me in tears. At one point I dared her to shoot me. I told her she could choose to put the slug in my brain pan, or give me two to the chest – if she wanted me to suffer longer. Even told her she had every legal right to do so, as she clearly didn’t want me there. Obviously, she didn’t take my offer of sacrifice. But I could have swore I saw her consider it, while my sister in law said, “that was a ridiculous thing to say.” My mother never agreed, nor disagreed with me. She just drank her beer and smoked another cigarette.
I often envy their vices. Booze, smokes, guns, partying…. I simply don’t have the time or money to invest in such things. They willingly do those things, like addicts are willing to do anything for a fix. I am FORCED to medicate myself, just so they can stand me. I’m a total pain in the ass! I know it. I’m not gonna lie and say I’m wonderful. But I’ve always been this terrible person. THAT has never changed! You know what you are going to get when you start talking to me. And I can guarantee my opinions are almost always the exact opposite of what people think they will get, when they first see/meet me .
I try to warn them. I show them, and tell them, and try to make sure my opinions are clear and unchanging. But it always happens; people get shocked, even offended by me. I don’t even have to try. I am a very sarcastic, cynical, straightforward person. I like to joke, have fun, and generally be myself. It’s other people who don’t get me.
H gets me. He may be the only one, really. But having been with him over 20 years, I know him too! This anniversary may have been spent in bed watching action flicks, and fantasy /sci-fi shows. However, I spent it with the only person who knows that when I see a guy get turned inside out, I’m not covering my eyes, I’m watching and critiquing the director’s ability to put scenes together well enough to keep my attention!
I think H might need a vacation from me, by Sunday! 😉