Depression is not a free pass…

Yes, I am clinically depressed. What does this mean? I have had my diagnosis  verified by a series of medical professionals. So my self-loathing, and reason for feeling less deserving of life is a chemical miscalculation /malfunction, by whatever creator you hold to.

Some claim God made me this way, or I was formed as this being for a reason. Mostly, I don’t want to dig as deep as that to find the source for my issues. Honestly, it would be better for me to forget that I was made to strive and work so hard, just to be bearable for rest of society. The very idea makes me nauseous.  I don’t WANT to fit in…but somehow the consensus of medical professionals believes that “fitting in”, is the cure to depression. If we all fall in line and follow the others, we SHOULD be happy.

And yet the media at large celebrates the massively overblown, and different “personalities”, in every screwed up person in “the biz”! And this is coming from a screwed up person! So you can imagine the irony I get slapped with when I see someone’s “crazy behavior ” plastered on every tabloid at the damn checkout, and I find myself thinking, “I can understand why they did that.”

How much am I actually screwed up?! How wrong or different am I? If I can find so-called crazy, as a rational reaction, then am I crazy, or normal-ish?! Is normal those people who believe this crap? Is that why I find it all insane to be “normal”? These are the loops of thinking that I spiral into, and stay awake for days, looking at and into, from every angle until my eyes feel like kaleidoscopes!

I’m nothing like THOSE people…right?

Yeh I spend days dreaming of running away. I have psychedelic nightmares, that give me convulsions. I don’t drink often. I take my prescribed meds. I take care of my family. I empower my children. I fluff my husband’s ego. I give my lover time when I can find it. I arrange appointments, parties, and visits. I do my routines, and stick to my schedules. I follow the script.

Maybe that’s why I think I’m not crazy. Routines, discipline, responsibilities. Things keeping me in line, filling my time so I don’t grab a razor; so I don’t runaway.

But why does that seem like the perfect dream? Running away. Not running from responsility, but from people. Everyone, except my kids. And I can’t uproot them. They are too fragile. I do my part for them . I follow instructions for them.

Slicing my skin and lying to my kids, “Mommy just has a boo-boo.” Funny thing, it’s always in the same place that mommy gets boo-boo’s. And soon they will understand the truth. How can I keep doing/thinking like this?

My chemical/synaptic malfunction.  Knowing both routes in my life. And knowing I can only take the one that makes everyone else feel better and/or safe. Though, I do not feel safe, nor better. I never want to hurt people, but I don’t want them to know me either. How does that balance out, on the great cosmic scale? Does it settle evenly with the feather, or sink like the rock?

Drowning in a world that isn’t mine, but can also never be mine. Dreaming of a wild freedom, that also comes with guilt. Both choices are a sacrifice for me, and both hold benefits I cannot live without experiencing. So what is it? Is this why I’m depressed? Is it merely a matter of circumstance? Perhaps, a grand cosmic mistake to have placed me in this life. Maybe even a genetic failure, that was allowed to flourish. What if this is the next evolution of humanity. Perhaps this is how we finally find extinction.

No wonder I can’t sleep or make decisions.

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4 thoughts on “Depression is not a free pass…

  1. I want to help you, I bet a lot of people do.
    But I’m sorry if this comes across as you having a problem, when you don’t want to believe that.
    I can say I’m not the right person you want to hear from. But I am a person who wants to be there for when you need one.
    Okay, I’m blabbing right now.
    My point is, I can see that it’s tough. And I know what it’s like to feel “underachieved” or “different” in a bad way. But it’s not all set to be in the way you think.
    You have kids, roof over your head and love which you can call home. Something you can be proud of. All you might want is to get “better” but maybe it’s not as bad as you think it is. I’m saying that maybe things will get better when it’s not the sunshining but it’s your kid smiling because you have caused it. It’s not always about EVERYBODY sometimes it can be about you.
    (I dont know if I’m helping)
    Running away never helps. But staying and fighting back sort of does.
    Take the negatives and turn them around. Think positively, believe positively and act positively.
    (I’m just trying to be there, even when you dont need me.)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know life could always be worse. Worse isn’t where I am. I’m not like suicidal or anything, just idk…

    A for instance, I was sitting in a circle of family and friends this weekend, and I was literally the reason they gathered together. Somehow or other the conversation got around to my nephew (a grown up man) was going to survive when he left home. After getting a job and place of his own. My grandmother, (a bit forgetful), was nearly frantic and started discussing how all the other kids learned to do basic household things while we were young. She then began to name of all her grandkids…except me…who was sitting right beside her….
    I waited and then finally whispered at her “and me”…and she looked at me like she didn’t recognize me, and spent the entire day calling me by my only female cousin’s name…

    It’s more like the only people who need me are my kids. And I’d be hurt if I ever hurt them. Regardless, of the fact that my words are unheard. It would hurt them, and I know that. So I just make sure I am here for them.

    If no one else would miss then what is keeping me from running and just taking my kids!? I don’t really know…

    Like

  3. Sometimes I wonder that, “who would miss me?”.
    As a kid, I was afraid of being invisible and underappreciated. So for most of my childhood, I was depressed.
    Even to this day, I would think “who would miss me?” Out of habit, I would say no one. But then I would think and say my parents, of course, my siblings, my relatives. I would say none of my classmates or friends. But then, it’s not true. Even though they don’t show much interest in me, my classmates would miss me. And my friends.
    My point is, years ago I would have said no one would miss me because I isolated myself. Then without trying too hard, I just tried to speak with people. Those people became friends. Those friends would miss me, I’m certain of that. Sometimes, it’s not enough to have a list of people who you think would miss you. It would actually take actions that will definately give those people a reason why they should miss you.
    (I’m not trying to argue with you. I’m just tryna help by giving you a different prespective. It might help)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No, I totally understand. I appreciate the help. 🙂
      It’s just, when I think of the what if’s, yeh I get real down. The who would miss me, thing feels more like a rationality thing. To me, anyway. Not like I’m down because of it, just like I’m almost trying to make myself available to the idea of leaving.

      Liked by 1 person

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