Hello Bio-Dad….

Yes, my biological parents are divorced. Most people have step parents, or absent parents. This in no way sets me apart from millions, perhaps billions (I haven’t done the research), of other people. I haven’t seen my Bio-Dad in 20 years. When I told him I was getting married. when I delivered the invitation to him. No he did not come, even though it had been my Dream to have both my fathers walk me down the aisle. I never divulged that information to him or anyone else. I’m not even sure if it would have made a difference to him, or to anyone else. But it would have, to me.

In a lot of ways I am old fashioned in my romanticized dreams about love, relationships, and ceremonies. Yes, someone should accompany a girl down the aisle, Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Best friend, the family pet…Whoever! But it should be the person of HER choosing.

I’m not sure how grooms feel on the big day. Hung-over perhaps, second-guessing the choice to get married; I have no clue. I have 3 brothers, and between two of them there have been 4 weddings. Who am I to judge! At any rate, I don’t know what men want where weddings, or children, or lives are concerned. I assume, it is basically, to find a woman who is faithful and smart, perhaps beautiful, and easy to live with, who would take care of him when he needs it. I could be very wrong on all of this, and I am rambling because I am emotional right now.

My Bio-Dad contacted me, and wants to do lunch. 20 years since we had a conversation and I don’t know why he wants to talk now. I have been trying to figure it out. We didn’t part on bad terms or anything. just never really entered each other’s lives anymore. I keep rolling over the ideas, reasons, and possibilities in my mind like a rock polisher! Its all noise, and I can’t take the waiting. I know that he will text me in the morning. So I set an alarm to make sure I wake up. Lately my meds make me sleep til 2pm! Obviously past lunch, but before dinner. He offered lunch, I can’t refuse. I never could.

He has always been a big weakness to me, as well as an enormous question mark in my life. I don’t know him. I don’t know him as a father, a friend, a man. I don’t know what he is expecting from this meeting. I don’t know how to act, and I don’t know what he will think of me now that I’m all medicated and numb.

I’ve already disappointed everyone I know, so losing his faith in me should be easy, painless, and expected. For now all I know is that I am not speaking to my husband, because I can’t talk to him about this kind of thing. We had an argument over nothing, but my emotions are high, and I tend to be sensitive. As does he, when we argue. So I am being silent to him. I can’t fight, if I can’t speak.

So I have this lunch possibility, weighing on me. and the cryptic message he sent today saying something about Monday and then texting me in the morning to go eat Mexican food. I’m so confused and so very messed up in my own mind that I can’t think straight. I made dinner for the kids. I just don’t know what else to do…

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