So…my dad decided to walk back into my life. And he wants my kids to be a part of his life, too.

Which, on the whole, is a healthy thing. Or so my shrink says. 

And I’m happy about it. I really, really am!

But, my mom’s gonna find out. And I’m gonna have to deal with the Fallout of that… I can already hear the bullets whizzing by me! And that is actually true, she’s armed and legal.

So why did I cry for an hour and a half over this? I haven’t a fucking clue! I tried listening to music, and all I could hear was words I wanted to say to you. 

They don’t  make books for this. They don’t have classes to help you deal when your parents hate each other. They don’t make songs about healing a 20 year void in your life. And we all know I don’t know how to deal. I can’t  handle healthy and happy. I don’t know what it looks like, and I will always run away from it. I can keep it a secret for only a little while, eventually one of the kids will say something. And I’m gonna be shut out, or shot at…whatever kind of day she’s having. 

And I don’t even know why that scares me so much! I’ve already told her to shoot me. Dared her, even. And I could see on her face that she considered it. He body went stiff, and she eyed her gun safe. She may not realize that I saw her do it. But I did.  

More than that, I’m afraid of actually hurting either of my dads. One raised me, and one made me.  I mean….is it disloyal to want to know the man who shares my blood? Is it wrong to feel at odds with myself, when I realize that they both have a claim on me?

I have hated myself my whole life because of my genetics. My mother and father hate each other, and am a living, breathing reminder of that hate. Everyday, in every way…To one or both of them, I am a mark of pain.

As they are to me…

As a little girl, I used to look up at the stars and whisper my words to them, so they could carry them to my dad. I do that now with you. I know even then, it was stupid, but I did it…do it so I can say what I need to. I guess a part of me always knew it never worked. But a part of me still wished….still does wish on the power of those stars…

Now how do I make this whole, horrible train wreck of life look like a functional and healthy way to live? I can’t.  I’m keeping secrets from my parents and asking my kids to do the same, all while telling them it’s wrong to keep secrets from their own parents. How much of a hypocritical jackass am I? ! How do I protect them, and ask them to stay open with me. I really am a wreck of a human being.

I don’t blame you, or them. I blame myself. I’m the person who tries to keep all of the little world around me, predictable and comfortable. Ordered. Controlled. I need to know what is coming at me. So I know what armor to put on. How to defend myself.

I can’t deal when I don’t have time to prepare. Which version of me can handle that? I have no idea who I need to be.

All I want right now is someone with strong arms to hold me so I can cry and feel protected. But we all know how h feels about me crying…so that ain’t happening anytime soon…

I just don’t want to be me, right now…


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