What makes it a feeling?

I’m no philosopher, nor do I ever read such literature, so I basically have no idea what its true meaning is. I could grab my Webster’s, or google it; but I’m not even sure THAT would give me a proper understanding of the differences between philosphy, emotion, and thought.

I can think about feelings. I can feel a few emotions. I can think thoughts, and have feelings about them. But… does one truly sit back and ponder the convoluted intricasies of philosophy? Maybe, that’s what I am doing, unknowingly! I have no clue!

The only reason I ever considered thinking about feelings, in the first place, was because I wondered if my parents knew how lonely I really was! Did they realize what they were doing to me; and by my ignorance of my feelings, or hiding them, did anyone even notice it?

As a mother, I watch my kids like a hawk! I watch their reactions to things, and I hide them from the bad, or harmful. I ask questions about their feelings, or check if they have questions about their own feelings. I don’t remember anyone doing that with me. I feel as though everyone should have a someone that does that for them. Either forcing them to confront ideas and emotions they want to hide, or just by being the person which helps them to vent those emotions. It should be a basic human right. But it isn’t.

It should be a requirement, I think. I also think Ethics should be taught in schools, not just colleges! I would probably break most ethical ideals, but I do still believe in having rules. My shrink says I am so used to being unseen, that I like breaking rules just to check that I am still invisible. And so far I have yet to be wrong.

Maybe I am about 50% crazy, and 50% conscientious. I know right from wrong and I still make mistakes, or purposely push boundaries and break rules. But I also have respect for each person’s individual rights. I take care not to trip over ALL societal rules and regulations, when I purposely choose the Dark Side. If I were a Jedi…I’d be a Grey…at best!

Even now, I sit here typing away, knowing only the tiniest percent of people who are on this website will even see the title, let alone read the damned thing!

So why do I post? Because, I have no one to listen. Still… at my age, I have no one to tell my secrets to. I can say that I have reservations about seeing my dad again, but no one I know, would understand the feeling. I can tell anyone who’d listen all my horrors and woes…but they couldn’t share the ideas emotions which caused them.

But how do you find a Someone? Some have best friends, some have spouses, or family members, and some pay a psychologist or counselor. But again…these people wouldn’t understand HOW I feel. They’d have no point of relation. Millions of people have divorced parents. Nothing new. Most of those parents were adult enough to keep the lines of communication open for both parents and children. I didn’t have that.

Hell, I still have no idea why my mother even wanted to keep me around. She clearly didn’t like me. She went out of her way to be sure I knew that in her eyes, I was half Demon. So why keep me? Why not just let me go to someone else. She certainly threatened to drop me off at orphanages plenty of times! For that matter, why didn’t my father fight to stay in my life, or to keep me?! I feel like the loser’s prize in a contest of responsibility!

I don’t know the specifics of my own upbringing! What the fuck does one do with that kind of reality?! I mean…it’s a part of me as much as my blood and bones, but I am not allowed to talk about it, or feel the utter void of it. I don’t even know if, or HOW I should deal with it!

I’ve tried online chats and so forth, but those people all seem to want sex, or a relationship out of it. I can provide neither of those things to anyone. And I don’t want that kind of attachment. Counselors, and psychologists would listen…but again, no point of personal reference, AND I’d have to pay them. IS there a term for people like me? I know I CANNOT be the only one!!!

It’s all so confusing, and I have no one to ask, without a major emotional ordeal. I want answers and the only people who can give them, would be hurt or appalled at my asking, and likely never speak to me again! I risk losing my unknown heritage, just by asking about it!!!

Seriuosly, what the hell kinda screwed up bullshit is my life?!

I wish there was a lawsuit or some kind of mediation, I could use to force them to both be open and rational enough to just tell me both sides, and let me deal with what I need to without all the emotional turmoil! What would that be called? Adult mediation for children of divorced parents? I don’t know. It’s all too crazy for even me to wrap my head around!!!

Additionally, if someone DOES read this, and wants to use me as a study case, I am all ears. Maybe you can find answers I can’t!!!


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