Holiday dealings…

This morning I woke up to 25 texts about the upcoming family meal! Really, Folks?!! Didn’t we already do this two weeks ago?

Anyhoo, I have tons of cooking to do, a side and a dessert. Doesn’t sound like much, but the fact is, I have to make a ton of them to feed everyone at least one serving each.

I’m making twice baked potatoes, and some cupcake thingys everyone loves so much they steal and smuggle them off, for eating later! Now here comes the tricky bit. There will be 14 kids there – under the age of 13! We also have 2 grandmas, and like 16 other adults. This is no small affair! We are having 3 kinds of meat – and no, a Tur-Duck-en has ever been laid at our table! I’m not even interested in finding out how that tastes! There will likely be more food than we need, so I am taking along dishes to bring home leftovers! Makes the food budget last longer!

Personally, I am just glad my house is too small for gatherings. I really like that about my house. Well that, and we don’t live too close, or too far for random visits, or guests! Perfect!

At any rate my aforementioned bio-dad had planned to have dinner with my little family. First it was here, then it was there and now they have just called it off completely. I feel like it had to do with my situation. Perhaps, some people don’t know how to handle me. They might not know where I would fit. Whatever the reason, I just feel jipped!

He cancelled on taking my son for a birthday lunch, and now this. I am seeing this pattern, and I don’t like it. I am the kind of mom who hides things about events, or vacations, or visits from my kids until we are in the car going there. They obsess, and ask a million questions every day, until they are at the event anyway. So I just cut that drama stuff out. And they don’t know that we were dumped again. I am grateful that I haven’t disappointed them about this!

I’m quite upset with my dad since he didn’t even tell me himself. I heard it from my cousin. And I am even beginning to questions his motives for doing that. Either way, my kids wont miss anything. they’ve only laid eyes on him twice. I’ve only seen him a few more times than they have, so I really don’t know what I am in for.

Should I trust him? Should I act like it was nothing, even though it caused me to cut, again? I told him flat-out, that it bothered me and I wasn’t coping well. What he does about that is entirely up to him. I can only text and wait. My older son has a birthday soon, and of course then its Christmas! I’m not going to say a word. If he wants anything to do with us, he will say so.

I think he doesn’t know how to handle all the things he missed with me. Finding out my childhood was far worse than he hoped for, and my own psychoses which he blames himself for, can be hard to digest. But I fight everyday to love myself. I can’t sit around worried about what other people think (even though its all I think about)…

Thankful, and honored, I am not!

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