My Comedian Fetish…

I have always been the kind of girl who loves to laugh! I didn’t discover real comedy until my teens, and the few guys who could make me laugh. Looking back, I’d probably have slept with them, simply because they were so staunchly different from the guy I was dating. He never put much value in humor back then. No idea what he is like now.

But comedians just really juice me up! Omg! I have a major crush on Louis C.K.  And I’m not sure if its his sense of humor, his insights on parenting, or the fact that I wanna climb him like a tree and just rock his world. Perhaps, that’s a bit too colorful…

At any rate, sign me up Louie!

I find myself thinking about WB a lot lately. It makes me sad and lonely. I mean I know I won’t love anyone the way I do him. And I also know that I will never see him again. It keeps me from opening up to anyone else. Which is probably a good thing.

We were the exact same person when we were together. Everything, every decision, every insecurity, all of it was felt between us both simultaneously. And even though I dont know if his love was real, for me it was, and nothing else compares to the first time we touched. Those are my memories. No one can take them and even he cant deny the instantaneous rush of real, true love between us at that moment.

Regrets? Only that I didn’t stay the first time. Not that either of us would know what to do about that situation. If I never came back home, I’d still have him. 

I cannot change the past. But he too made me smile. For ev
ery possible reason.

Late…

Yeh, he is late again. And it’s Monday. It is actually every Monday. So that’s not suspicious or anything. He calls me early to tell me he will be late. I honestly feel like the biggest butt of the worst possible, cliched, saddest joke ever told. I make sure the monkeys are fed and/or clean before he gets home. Which always changes, I have no idea where he even is when he calls, even his call-in time is completely unpredictable, so having anything prepared at the appropriate time is impossible.

Not like I would be able to get anything done. My meds slow me down, so my sloth status remains in place. I’ve barely been able to motivate myself to even make dinner for eveyone. I am sloth, hear me do nothing! I need to clean the floors and couches. I am constantly battling some thing or another. Disappointment, depression, anxiety, lack of focus, mood swings, side effects. I really shouldn’t even stress over these things. My meds should take care of numbing every feeling I might have.

I haven’t been unfaithful for a very long time. As much as I want my lover, I can’t even get excited enough to actually leave my house. This is next level Sloth!  I can’t even get exicted anout having crazy, animalistic, sweaty, heart-pounding,  on-the-sly sex! What the hell is wrong with me? He actually likes the extra weight I’ve put on, and WANTS to fucking touch every inch of me! 

But the one man I am attached to, cant even be bothered to convincingly hide his whatever he is doing. It could be anything. I have no idea what his salary is, nor how much time he actually puts in. I feel like I need more information. Fuck it! Maybe I should go back to cutting and making each day a piece of compensatory blood and pain for the universe to suck out of me.

I don’t think I even need to speak. No one hears me anyway. I am a blob of white noise.

Was I high?!

I’ve been trying to live a more active life. I take walks, I eat less, drink more water, (perhaps a bit more wine too). Whatever you may think of my life, I am trying to make more of an effort to be active. Even if it is only mopping the floors, or folding clothes. Its more than I’ve done on a daily basis, since my breakdown.

However, as my husband brings up Jenny Craig, and weight watchers frequently, I realize his snide remarks are his way of motivating me. (I hope!)  His sympathy for my struggle is somewhat less  than heartfelt. He keeps candy next to the bed, and frequently eats pounds of it in a single sitting.  I don’t begrudge him his vice, I just try to keep my hands busy and drink more spring water.

When I had my last long walk (a lot less than long, really), I noticed quite quickly the burn and stretch in my calves. At first I assumed it was just part of getting back in the groove of walking again. However, that sensation stayed in my calves. Not adding any to my thighs, or hips. Just localized in my calves.

This led me to believe I should take longer steps. I shortly realized that too, made no difference. I’m quite sure my neighbors got a show, watching me trying to re-learn a proper powerwalk!

Bending my arms at the elbows, huffing and puffing, and trying to get a good footing on very uneven ground provided for an odd looking physical application to the Ministry of Silly Walks!  (showing my age)

At any rate, I eventually realized that I wasn’t swinging my hips, or flexing my butt cheeks! Walking may come easy to some, but I felt like I’d recently had my hips replaced with non-moving  metal parts! So I now have to make a conscious, and concerted effort to swing and flex when I walk! Where did my swagger go?

Not to be beaten by booty flexes and burning calves, I decided to try an indoor mini workout. I am a huge fan of BBT, and I just happened upon a few workouts based on the show, i.e. when this happens on the show, you do X exercise.

I squeezed into my sports bra, which was so tight the “girls” could barely move, but I could feel the circulation in my back fat being restricted! Oh well, at least I wouldn’t get any added boob droopage! I started a show in season two, sure to incorporate more actions and movements. Yay!

10 pushups, OH MY GAWD!! WHY CAN I FEEL THAT IN MY STOMACH?!!!

30 jumping jacks, Why can’t I stay balanced???

30 more jumping jacks. Fuck moving my arms, let my legs do the heavy lifting!

What the hell is a mountain climber? Or a reverse crunch?

Was I high when I decided this was a good idea?!?! 

Lesson learned…stick to funky walking!!!

Clothes, food, kids, and all things frustrating!

Let’s begin at the beginning.

CLOTHES! You self-righteous, unapologetic, fabric demons! I hate you all. Everything from foundation wear, to evening wear! You all have a secret agenda – destroy any positive body image I may have. Yes, I know I have put on weight. That happens when people start medications like mine. Those drugs are designed to slow you down so you don’t freak out over stupid little shit, like the fact that you have to buy new clothes! And others are designed to make you not care that you had to go up 4 sizes in the span of a year! They also slow down your metabolism, sex drive, and motivation! So yeh…I’m fat, and upset about it, but give my xanax time to kick in and I wont give a flying fuck about anything. I am trying very hard to be more active. I purchased some workout-like clothes and a hopefully supportive bra, to help me get motivated to get my lazy ass up and start walking. I know it isn’t much, but one has to begin somewhere!

Food, you have the same agenda. I love you and hate you. I eat one meal a day. typically its the family dinner. However, I have realized no matter how little I eat, I’m not really burning the extra calories, carbs, and sugars that I eat in that one meal. So I added a metabolism booster to my spring water to help me burn something when I’m not so active. Every little bit helps. However, my husband’s snide remarks have only managed to add to my sense of defeat. I’m tired of gym membership commercials, and 5,000 recipes for wonderful water detox systems that do nothing! Movement, activity, and diet change are what is needed! Despite your beckoning call, Little Debbie!!!!

I love and adore my children. I love their quirks and questions. Their idiosyncrasies, and their bravery to be who they are. That being said, I think I’ve had my fill of the Pink panther theme song, and an off-key saxophone rendition of Eye of the Tiger. I find myself often frustrated with their lack of concern for the state of the house. To remedy that I have devised a system of snack eating, which should help curb some of the more disruptive and disgusting habits they have formed. For instance, I have threatened them both, that if either of them does not follow the rules, they will both lose their tv/movie/game privileges! Every after school snack is labeled with a name, an equal portion size, and a reminder to eat additional fruit. They are then required to return their label to the inside of the cabinet door, and all dishes to the sink. If any one of these steps are not followed, they BOTH lose privileges. I am tired of finding apple cores stuffed between my couch cushions, and chip wrappers under their beds!

WE are not a zoo, and I am not a keeper! They are both old enough to walk the entire 10 feet to the kitchen and clean up after themselves! I also had to go so far as to label many foods “off limits”, as I am trying to stretch my budget as far as I can. They would happily go through as many snacks as possible in one afternoon! However, my grocery budget is about $250.00 every two weeks. And feeding teenage boys is rather a lot like feeding a sinkhole!
The stress and frustration is there. I am dealing. Perhaps, not as well as most. Though I do try. Frustrations and set backs will happen, and I need to learn to accept that, make appropriate changes, and hopefully, move on.

P.S. Please forgive the typos and poor grammar. Its 4am, and I had a seizure yesterday.

If you loved me the way I love you … Watch “Train – Drive By” on YouTube

It’s an old song, and likely the oldest story ever told. One sided love. It hurts. It bites, and it’s also the only way I know I can love unconditionally. 
Time, age, space, distance, and silence has done nothing to smother this flame. So what if I am acting completely irrational! It only shows commitment, in my commitment. And screw you, if you don’t interpret my obsessive emails and continuous postings about my broken heart, as they were intended!  Clearly, I am not the loose nut!
I may be aggressive, confrontational, emotional, and of questionable sanity, but dammit you are my soul mate! You know it!  You knew it before we even met! You  sweetly and quite unsoberly muttered those three little words…and I smiled brighter than I ever could. At the time I assumed your meds were the cause. However, I did reciprocate your words, with my own true heartfelt love! Bastard!
You did this to me and then left me broken, and I never want to be without that pain…unless you finally relent and agree that we SHOULD be together! But you won’t.  I see that man who looks like you, and for a fraction of a second my heart skips, I live and die in that breath when I catch his gaze. He must think I’m crazy, I mostly am. Though, the number of times this has happened…he must think I have started stalking him!  
In some weird way, I hope he can relay that sense of seeing me through his eyes , to you. Still, there isn’t  another you. There isn’t another me. We have already met one another, and there isn’t any going back. Our moments are all ours, and nothing will sully those memories. No matter what you try to forget. We were never more happy than when we were face to face, skin to skin, soul to soul….
I will always love you, no matter the pain, and also because of it.

I’m the Mother of a teen Boy…

My oldest son just turned 13 this weekend. Omg! Where has the time gone?! He was just a baby only a heartbeat ago! 
I realize every mother goes through this, and we all reminisce about those days when they loved ONLY Mom, or kissed and hugged us on purpose.  But his hugs and kisses need to be almost dragged out of him these days. I read some research that stated boys will reach an age where the pheromones we give off triggers their brain/ body to be repelled by us.  I almost curled into a ball crying!  He’s MY boy!
So To help lift my spirits and be less repulsive, I allowed him to skip school and we went to see his first pg-13 movie with his best friend. I thought I was totally the cool mom, skipping school, being truant, AND seeing a kick-ass movie, with giant sized popcorn  and smuggled in candy! I know it’s not a big deal to bunk off every now and then, but damn! I thought it would help him earn cool points at school!
He gave, not a fuck! He was definitely  excited and happy, but never caught on the whole school skipping, and candy smuggling. I was a cool mom, in my head for about 10 minutes, until he opened his big fat mouth and asked me why we were going on a Friday….


I promise I m trying to toughen him up, and let him break arbitrary  rules. Hopefully, this makes him cool-er. But alas, my boy is blinded by the moment, and not seeing that he might be getting teased. I hope he isn’t being teased, anyway. Although, being oblivious might be a good thing too…


I don’t know. I’m just trying to help him navigate the murky waters of adolescence. I wish his dad would take more time with him, I learned the “mean girls” side of things, which is more emotionally scarring!  Though, I really do  think the boys his age are completely clueless. And I’m not completely sure they ever grow out of it!


I miss the days when it was all, sleepovers and pizzas! This is somewhat more complicated, and delicate. 

I’m not ready!

Holiday dealings…

This morning I woke up to 25 texts about the upcoming family meal! Really, Folks?!! Didn’t we already do this two weeks ago?

Anyhoo, I have tons of cooking to do, a side and a dessert. Doesn’t sound like much, but the fact is, I have to make a ton of them to feed everyone at least one serving each.

I’m making twice baked potatoes, and some cupcake thingys everyone loves so much they steal and smuggle them off, for eating later! Now here comes the tricky bit. There will be 14 kids there – under the age of 13! We also have 2 grandmas, and like 16 other adults. This is no small affair! We are having 3 kinds of meat – and no, a Tur-Duck-en has ever been laid at our table! I’m not even interested in finding out how that tastes! There will likely be more food than we need, so I am taking along dishes to bring home leftovers! Makes the food budget last longer!

Personally, I am just glad my house is too small for gatherings. I really like that about my house. Well that, and we don’t live too close, or too far for random visits, or guests! Perfect!

At any rate my aforementioned bio-dad had planned to have dinner with my little family. First it was here, then it was there and now they have just called it off completely. I feel like it had to do with my situation. Perhaps, some people don’t know how to handle me. They might not know where I would fit. Whatever the reason, I just feel jipped!

He cancelled on taking my son for a birthday lunch, and now this. I am seeing this pattern, and I don’t like it. I am the kind of mom who hides things about events, or vacations, or visits from my kids until we are in the car going there. They obsess, and ask a million questions every day, until they are at the event anyway. So I just cut that drama stuff out. And they don’t know that we were dumped again. I am grateful that I haven’t disappointed them about this!

I’m quite upset with my dad since he didn’t even tell me himself. I heard it from my cousin. And I am even beginning to questions his motives for doing that. Either way, my kids wont miss anything. they’ve only laid eyes on him twice. I’ve only seen him a few more times than they have, so I really don’t know what I am in for.

Should I trust him? Should I act like it was nothing, even though it caused me to cut, again? I told him flat-out, that it bothered me and I wasn’t coping well. What he does about that is entirely up to him. I can only text and wait. My older son has a birthday soon, and of course then its Christmas! I’m not going to say a word. If he wants anything to do with us, he will say so.

I think he doesn’t know how to handle all the things he missed with me. Finding out my childhood was far worse than he hoped for, and my own psychoses which he blames himself for, can be hard to digest. But I fight everyday to love myself. I can’t sit around worried about what other people think (even though its all I think about)…

Thankful, and honored, I am not!